I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
