when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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