I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
