If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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