first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
