I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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