If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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