If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
