Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
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I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
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All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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