I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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