Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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