I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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