Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
