um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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