i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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