Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
