Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
