So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
