I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
