Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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