I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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