I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
