hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
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id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
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You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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