I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
