I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
