Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
