i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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