I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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