Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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