I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I should be sponsored by Trojan
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
