I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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