So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
