Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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