whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
