ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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