I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
