just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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