Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
