So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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