went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sober January is a disaster.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
