i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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