Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
