oh god the rape fog is back!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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