man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
