I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
