hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
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So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize