It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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