so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
