you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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