1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
