If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
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I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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