My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
