i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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