I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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