If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
