Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
