It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
