I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
